“A bittersweet feeling, that’s how I’d describe this year. 2019 was a really beautiful year, but like roses come with thorns, it had its’ challenges.
This year was really different for me because it came with new kinds of challenges, different from the kind I’m used to and had even learnt to deal with.

A surgery,
A break-up,
Health Challenges and regular hospital visits,
Inner conflicts,
Self judgements,
Insecurities,
Numbness and inability to speak,
A lot of aggression transfer, and
A really slow healing process with bouts of relapses.

With experiences, new and old, that made me smile, and even laugh so hard that I cried. I tried new things, some I could never have imagined myself doing. Learnt and unlearned some things and saw a different side to life, friendships and people.

I got to see that life isn’t always black or white but shades of gray. That you could never really judge a person until you’ve been in those same shoes and acted better. To let love be my first response instead of Judgement. And instead of dwelling on a person’s action towards me, to check my own action which might have prompted their reaction.

I learnt that people might not be perfect but it doesn’t make them bad people. To not let myself be blinded by their little faults. I learnt to give second chances, cause this year, I received a lot of them.

I learnt to heal without breaking and to let go without resenting. That saying goodbye doesn’t always mean we have to be enemies. And even though it hurts, sometimes it’s the better thing to do, so it’s okay.

That many experiences do not leave you the same. And even when it feels like you escaped being broken but still had some cracks, you still shouldn’t let them shatter you.

That they’re always there, those cracks. So you decide how to carry them. As beauty marks that remind you of how strong you are, how you’re growing and thriving? Or as painful scars that keep bringing you back to that place of inner conflict? You decide because you’re responsible for your own reaction and you get to choose how you respond to what life throws at you.

That living itself is a risk, so sometimes, just go for it, instead of living with the regret of not trying or questions of “what if”.
That it’s okay to make mistakes. Because we’re all imperfect, that’s why we’re human.

That everyone isn’t out to hurt you. Some actually genuinely care so I learnt to let down my guard and break my walls. Learning to love and let myself get so close, I become vulnerable. And learning that it’s okay. Because there’s no beauty in giving only half of you. You only enjoy love when it’s given in full.
Learning to express love and care and not mask it in jokes or being rude or trying to scare people away.

I learnt to let myself rest in the love of God and the full assurance of his plans for me. That I could never work to deserve his love.

To stop worrying about if his grace will be sufficient to carry me through the week or month or year, but to live a day at a time because his mercies are new every morning and his faithfulness is great.

That his reckless love leaves the 99 for the 1, even for me because I could be that “1” too. Funny how I never really saw that. How I never allowed myself to be the “1”. I always saw the “1” in others and would remind them of how he never leaves the one behind. But never gave myself the grace to be that one. I never felt I was allowed to. Always had to be among the 99. But this year, lol, I realized it was okay if I was the one too. Because there was no exception to his one and he provides grace for every single person. Because everyone needs grace, even me.

I learnt to stop working for my salvation, cause I never could fulfill all the law it requires. Rather, I learnt what it means to work it out, to express the reality of this grace that saves me.

I learnt to give more. But also that appreciation isn’t always shown by material things. That kindness is beautiful and so attractive in itself.

I Iearnt to accept that I wasn’t perfect, that I wasn’t always right, and I could cause another pain too. And though it was a painful realization, accepting this fact, took away a lot of pressure and strain. Enabling me to be kind to myself and stop judging me all the time. And that way, to also be kind to others.

I went back to writing after 2 years of struggling. And I realized I had really missed it. Beautiful how all it took was for me to start again, with just one word, and then another, and another, until I had formed a sentence, and a paragraph and a complete story. I mean, I started a blog☺️.

I learnt to look fear in the eye, and fulfil its’ dare. To believe in more than what I can see now and never restrict myself to only the things I think I can achieve today. I learnt to dream big and crazy until it scares me. Cause that’s what makes it worth the while.

To accept every gift given to me, and to remind myself that I deserve every good thing. To enjoy every moment while it lasts instead of bothering about how everything might turn sour the next hour.

So as the year ends, I’m filled with so much gratitude.
Thankful for God’s love, so fierce, that just one look pierces and changes me. Floods my heart and sweeps me off my feet. Stands over me with open arms always ready to receive me whenever I’m ready.
Thankful that I can rest assured in the reality that the One who keeps me is the Alpha and Omega. And that even in the midst of the storm, he gives peace and sweet rest.

Thankful that Abba sustains me and never lets me run out. That He’s responsible for me and I’m His eye’s apple. Nothing catches Him by surprise. That’s the One responsible for me, and I’m His. I’m safe and I’m secure in Him.

I’m thankful for family. Thankful for love and thankful for friends, friends who became family. A major answered prayer for me this year. I could say, I was choked with so much love from people I never even really knew, it became scary at some point, cause I’d never really been used to that.

And with much gratitude, I’m going to end here.
Happy Last day of the year
Happy New Year, 2020.
Happy New Decade.
And many cheers to more lessons and beautiful experiences this new year.”